i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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