I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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