Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
