no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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