Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
