i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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