shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
