I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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