well I can't set my house on fire every night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
