and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
