Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
