he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
