dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
