a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
