his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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