new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
