Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
