Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
