Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
