saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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