Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
