I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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