you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
