Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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