Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
