my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
