i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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