I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
