I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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