You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
