I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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