I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
