I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
