I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and you said cock pushups were impossible
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
