umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize