Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
