Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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