Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
