At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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