thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
