the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
