She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
