Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
