I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
