I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
