Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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