So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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