Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
