ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
