I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
